Loss

It has now been a month since you politely excluded me from your life. And every day I have thought of you. I picked both my bed mattress and platform with you. How can I forget mint green is your favorite color, with my entire bathroom wrapped in it? The layout of the living room which I passed by you when I first thought of it, is now there, reminding me every morning when I see it, every afternoon when I get home from work.

I miss you. It's a dull ache, by this point, but a consistent one. A loss not just of the reality of you, but of the idea of you and the potential of us, of a tight friendship, of playing games together, of sharing thoughts and ideas.

Twice I went against your wishes. Once to make an attempt to correct what I thought was my mistake, although I've never really been sure what that was. It was a blind attempt to regain your favor, now I see, although back then I genuinely just wanted to make sure things didn't brake for anyone else.

The second, when concern made me forget myself. And the coldness I glimpsed from you, if anything, reminded me that I am not welcome. So that was the end.

I mourn the loss of something that barely was. It shreds my insides, making me shy away from all feeling. When the overriding emotion is loss, how do you not?

I hope things are well for you, and I hope we can speak again someday, and at least be the friends we were, speaking as we did that long night.